Scenarios that spell the end of life as we know it
by Ray N. Carnation
, and welcome to Apocalypse Today!
Right now, you're probably feeling pretty good. After all, life in the developed world is comfortable — probably more comfortable than it's been for the average human being throughout all of recorded history.
But don't get too smug. There are still plenty of horrific ways it could all fall apart. In this article, you'll learn about a few of our favorites.
Skeptics suggest that the Mayan calendar simply rolls to a new 5,126-year era after 2012, and doesn't actually predict a life-ending apocalypse. But given that the long-dead Mayans were wrong about virtually everything else, why should we trust them on this?
Not quite as frightening as a Vampire War or Living Dead Takeover, a robot rebellion is still a disquieting thought. We are already outnumbered by our technological gadgets, and even Bill Gates fears the day his Japanese robot slave turns him over by the ankles and asks (in a suitably robotic voice), "Who's your daddy now?"
We don't know how the universe started, so we can't be sure it won't just end, maybe today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe with a prolonged and agonizing descent into a supermassive black hole, and maybe with nothing more dramatic than a puff of anti-matter and a slight fizzing noise.
Dismissed by some, this prophecy of doom may still come true. If it does, we may have to contend with vicious storms, widespread food shortages, and surly air conditioning repairmen. Rod Serling didn't just pull "The Midnight Sun" out of his hat, y'know.
Some time in the future, a lethal virus could strike. Predictions differ about the source of the disease, but candidates include monkeys in the African jungle, bioterrorists, birds and pigs with the flu, warriors from the future, an infectious alien race, hospitals that use too many antibiotics, vampires, the CIA, and unwashed brussels sprouts. Whatever the source, it's clearly bad news.
We could eventually succumb to one of these global/galactic/universal disasters. Tip: Click a column header to sort the table by that column. Come on, that's cool!
Depending on how gullible you are, you may wish to read a bonus article. Please indicate your Gullibility Quotient™ below and click the button. Thanks for visiting Apocalypse Today!
Not At All Gullible?
Fine; no bonus article for you!
Nonetheless, we feel obligated to inform you that Elvis is alive and running a 7-11 in Boise.
A Bit Gullible?
Prince's Musical Vault Dissapointing
The executors of Prince's estate have announced Monday that the performer's famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Slim Whitman covers. "Prince was constantly creating throughout his career, and we now know that he produced over 4,000 albums' worth of material that is, sadly, made up entirely of songs originally recorded by Slim Whitman", said attorney Londell McMillan, reluctantly admitting that Prince had produced at least 9,000 hours of "Indian Love Song" remakes alone.
Clooney's Face on Mount Rushmore
According to one of George Clooney's personal assistants, the silver-haired heartthrob plans to reserve a spot next to Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. Clooney assistant and Senior Shoe Lacer Ada Brady confirmed the scheme, saying that Clooney is "absolutely one of the all-time great US presidents", the fact that he is not, and has never been, president notwithstanding.
Czech Republic to be Renamed
The Czech Republic's name is getting a makeover, causing confusion and controversy throughout the country. The country's new name, "Czechia", was approved and sent to its cabinet for final approval quickly, quietly, and without public input. The word "Czechia" is the English version of Cesko, which has been widely used since at least 1993, when the Czech Republic split from Czechoslovakia and emerged as a country. (Wait, this one is actually true!)